I happened upon Beiger-then-Beige, a founding member of Auto Crouton, at a conference last Tuesday. Dressed in a velvet suit and bow tie, he sat me down and told me about the band who fell into the collective consciousness just last week when they hit the Macbeth stage like a meteorite shower...
Auto Crouton femalesMacbeth: What is Auto Crouton?
Beiger-then-Beige: It's a system.
M: Like a system of belief?
B: No, just a system.
M: That's not really an adequate explanation, are you trying to baffle people with Auto Crouton?
B: No. Alright, it's a special system designed to form acts of pure emotional stress.
M: Really?
B: Yeah. The idea came to me on the way back home from my job when i looked at a empty metal thing, what do you call it, like a bread thing.
M: A bread bin?
B: A grilled box and it had bread in it still. I remember a fellow member of the group, code name Spacehater, tried to pull the bread out, which didn't really work, but i figured if you pulled the bread through the grate you'd get croutons, automatically, hence Auto Crouton. And then i had to put on a night at this pub...
M: At THIS pub? [ie The Macbeth]
B: Yeah, and as usual as I'm so permanently transfixed on such unbelievably fascinating creative exploits, the line up I had in my mind were never contacted, by anybody. And upon phoning them only a week in advance I found myself only able to book one of the acts, who dropped out on the day due to the drummers poorly stomach or upset tummy, one or the other. Then i phoned up everybody i knew who i thought could bring light into the world and asked them if they wanted to join what is of course now, widely, internationally recognised as Auto Crouton. The rest is history.
M: How many members does Auto Crouton currently have?
B: 6 billion
M: That sounds like a lot for our stage here at the macbeth
B: We believe in the ancient code.
M: Hmm, ok...
B: Or actually we only have 16 active members, and 4 auxilliary members, thery're secret.
M: What's your favourite colour?
B: Beige
M: Whats the music like then?
B: It's like Funkadelic meets Frank Zappa meets Royal Trux meets Velvet Underground meets Boyoyo Boys meets Leonard Cohen meets Philip Glass...
M: That sounds like an interesting collection of people, er, meeting each other. it's also quite a high standard of influences.
B: Are you joking?
M: No. That's a lot to live up to, i mean.
B: Our policy is aim high, fall... moderatly high.
Auto Crouton malesM: Have Auto Crouton ever considered being influenced by a shower?
B: It's funny that you say that, certain factions within the group, namely the trio of rather delicate and hygenic girl choir singers, have brought this question to the fore on several occasions, as has one of the drummers girlfriends and the synth player... We don't think it's in the public interest. We shower when we can but are too busy penning hit songs or walking around in the heat of the city in an inexplicable and reoccuring depression.
M: Cool. Where can people find out a bit more about Auto Crouton, if they're interested?
B: We're not online in any way, shape or form. We only formed 9 days ago, and have, as of yet, established no regular contact with the outside world. However, you can call me, Beiger-then-beige, on 07789 187 639 and we will be putting on another spectacular show, this time full length, somewhere int this terrible city in the next 36 days. We will post ads for this on very popular peoples facebook pages and also on the tube. Inshallah.
M: Inshallah Beiger-then-beige, it has been wonderful to meet you.
B: It's cool. What you doing later, would you like to grab a coffee?
M: I'll go anywhere with you Beiger-then-beige.
B: Even though your going out with that big-nose Tuareg cunt from the saudis?
M: He's dead to me.
B: Cool.
M: Cool.
A crouton
